i have this over whelming feeling to keep talking and i don't know why. it may be because the boyfriend is at work and i'm at home alone or i'm just nervous. their are many times that i just sit at home thinking about things as will i love this baby? am i going to be a fit mother? how will i handle work and school and baby? will we really be able to make all then ends meet while i'm not working? their are so many unknowns right now that i feel lost in a sea of question marks. and maybe one day i will just drown in them.
At fifteen weeks i cant fit into any of my clothes and pretty much everone can tell im pregnant. with the lack of a ring on my left hand finger people seem to stare at me more than other expectant moms. i really not that young looking maybe early twentys but i still feel as though im being givin the teen mom look, by others who are older than i am. yes i am 19 and i didnt really want any kids till i was atleast twenty fiveish? justin and i had many long conversations about this choice, but i felt it was right for me. then wham a very positive result and nine weeks later here we are.and while i know justin and i plan on getting married i dont very much like the looks im getting now. i feel so frustrated because altho teen pregnacy has become more commen as of late shouldnt people be getting used to it by now. i always get the teen mom stink eye if you would call it that and im not so shure its justified. yes i am 19 but my boyfriend is 22 as a well paying job and takes care and provides for me. so its really not like this child is going to lack anything.
life is very unexpected and some time you just have to roll with it. im trying to finish school and find out where i belong in the adult world. in some way i envy other mothers around me who are doing this when they are older because it seems they already have that figured out and i dont. they have the good jobs and the marriges and they know where everything is going but maybe this wave is a little bit to big for my little boat?
Friday, October 29, 2010
this afternoon while checking my email i was confronted with yet another scary pregnancy symptom. trouble breathing. while with most people this would be a simple concern i suddenly had a panic attack over the thought of not being able to breath. this resulted in a lot of heavy breathing and a lot of scared mind imagery. well now i'm over that and breathing fine. i guess before you get into the whole thing people never really tell you about all the stuff that is painful. i mean we hear of the morning sickness and the backaches but never really about anything else like its some kind of hidden pregnancy secret cult. and i guess it really is that way. you do hear about the crying fits but nobody tells you how lonely you feel sometimes. even though i have a great partner i still feel so alone and that spurns one of my many crying fits that make me seem like a child.but this is just week fifteen so who knows how the rest will go like they say every pregnancy is different :)
Posted by Jessica at 1:36 PM